Saturday, August 3, 2019

A New Life

Practically my whole adult life, I had believed this lie that I failed at relationships, beause of my childhood, but here I am approaching my 40th birthday, realizing this isn't the case. Let me explain. 
I grew up in a broken home, my parents constantly fought, as a result, I remember spending a lot of time at my Grandmas. My parents finally divorced when I was in High School. I am the oldest of 5 (beautiful, smart, and awesome) girls, and the only child in my family to serve a mission. My sisters tease that I was "the perfect child", because I was the only return missionary. Shortly after my return, I would marry my first ex (1 of 3), in the temple, because that's what you do when you come home from your mission. I left him a couple years into our marriage, after he started showing signs of abuse. I felt like a failure. Soon I would meet my second ex, who I married, had a child with, and later would be sealed to. He would end up being abusive as well. I endured stalking, harassing, and other abuse that would lead to a protective order. I felt like an even bigger failure after my second attempt at an eternal marriage. I remain single for several years, content, until I met the Mormon man of my dreams. I did everything right. I fasted, and prayed. I felt that conformation that it was right, and we married in the Provo City Center Temple, for time and all eternity. We went to church every week together with our 3 children. He was the ward mission leader, and we fed the missionaries several times a week. We went to the temple together once a month. I was living the Mormon dream! I finally did it! For about 6 Months. Then he started drinking, and becoming violent. He would then spend several months in and out of rehab, with physical abuse happening while he was home from rehab. How did things go so wrong? I did everything right! Didn't I? 
That’s when it happened. My shelf broke! My foundation was cracked, and my house of faith went crumbling down! 
One dreadful night, while under the influence of alcohol, he assaulted me, and one of the children in the home. It was dreadful! My so called perfect Mormon husband was now in jail, and being charged with a felony. I cried. I felt more hopeless than I ever imagined possible. I felt I had not only failed to protect the children in my home, but I had failed at another attempt at an eternal marriage. This time more painful than the last 2, because I was sure this time I had it right. I knew what to do, I'd been here before. The children were no longer safe from this man, neither was I. I knew it was over. I found myself, once again, sitting in court, for yet another protective order, to a man that was my everything. I tried to do the right thing, and go to the temple, but that resulted in an unexpected anxiety attack. I quickly found myself not giving a shit about eternal marriage, or the temple. I fought it, telling myself if I tried harder, it would go away, but it kept building instead, and making it worse. 
I’m not sure what finally made me let go. Maybe it was everyone that continued to ask me how my husband, who was in jail for assaulting me, was doing. Maybe it was the frustration I felt, when his records were still in my ward, after asking if they could be transferred out, and being told they were waiting for him to ask for them instead. Maybe it was a combination of things. I don't know, but it happened. I started questioning why I was still going to church. 
I reached out to a couple of friends who I knew had left the church. I asked them questions, and they delivered. Down the rabbit hole I went. It all started with the gospel topic essays, I started to question why there were 3 different accounts of Joseph Smith's  first vision. This is not what I learned growing up! That quickly lead to me listening to "The Year of Polygamy". I soon realized, it wasn't my childhood that had failed me all this time, It was my religion! 
I became obsessed with polygamy! I was never taught that Joseph Smith had over 30 wives! I always assumed that polygamist only had a couple wives, and it was for bringing more children to the gospel. I certainly wasn't taught that some of these women were 14, already married, or that Joseph Smith would threaten women that an angel would destroy him, if they didn't marry him. I wasn't taught how angry Emma was at the idea of polygamy, and all his wives. She didn't sound like she was being treated as an equal partner in her marriage. I felt her pain. This was not the Joseph Smith I was taught about! This was a man that reminded me, in so many ways, of my past abusers. Manipulating, abusive, and sexist! I could not justify a God commanding a man to treat a woman in this manner. I quickly understood the pain and suffering I endured came from generations of this type of behavior being past down. I became angry at all the manipulation, abuse, and sexism that exists within the church! Women use to give blessings. Why didn't they anymore? Why weren't women able to hold the priesthood, or be in leadership positions like bishops and stake presidents? Why do women have to cover their shoulders and wear long shorts? Why do I need to veil my face? Why did I have to "cleave unto my husband"? Why are women encourages to be stay at home moms, instead of perusing careers? Why have I been taught my whole life to be subservient? The list goes on. This isn't equal, this is sexist!
At some point, I called my sister, and cautiously told her I was struggling. To my relief, I discovered, she was as well! This lead to the both of us diving further down the rabbit hole, but now together. We started listening to more podcast, we read the CES letter, at the same time, and more of the gospel topic essays. I was glad I wasn't alone on this painful journey. We called each other often to discuss our new finds. The rabbit hole got deeper and deeper.

I tried to make peace with all these new finds. I tried to tell myself I could still stay in the church. That didn't last. After reading the gospel topic essay,on how the Book of Abraham ISN'T a correct translation, my opinion changed. My whole life I had been taught this book was true, when in fact, it wasn't about Abraham at all, but a funeral?! Surely God would have known that when he was inspiring Josephs translation. I justified that there wasn't any evidence that supported the Book of Mormon, I wanted it to be true, so badly. But how could I believe the Book of Mormon was true, if the Book of Abraham was admittedly not?! How could I believe anything from Joseph Smiths mouth? 
I questioned what was real. What did I really believe in? My house of faith that I worked so earnestly hard to build, was gone! I was finished. How could any of this be true? So many facts said other wise. I had spent years dedicated to a church I was sure, was the only true church on the planet. It was all a lie. I felt betrayed. The Book of Mormon, The Book of Abraham, polygamy, eternal marriage... Oh so many things! I sat on quitmormon.com, crying as I started the process to remove my records from the church.There was no way I could spend another minute being a part of something so fake! I mourned everything I had given to the church. I reached out to friends once again, as tears ran down my face, to comfort me. I gathered the strength I needed, and submitted my resignation. I knew that not only did I have support, but the people who love me, will love me regardless. I thought I would feel some sort of regret, but instead, I finally felt the peace and freedom I had been searching for. I could start all over again! And so my journey begins. Little by little I rebuild my house, I pick up little bits of things I find to be true, and I build. One step at a time. But this time I will be more cautious. This time I will build my foundation of rock, not sand.

Monday, January 7, 2019

White chili

My white chili recipe

1 can chick peas
1 can white beans
1 can chipotle pinto beans
1 can corn
1 can diced green chilies
1 - 2 cans water
1/2 of a jalepeno diced
2 tab corn starch
Salt to taste
Garlic to taste
Cayenne pepper to taste
1/4 cup green peppers

Cook in crock pot 6-8 hours

Add about a cup of shredded pepper jack cheese and about a cup of sour cream before serving.



Thursday, December 10, 2015

Coming out of the geek closet

So recently my dear mother told me I have become "the person I use to make fun of".  Now, I may have made fun of people for playing D&D before, but now that I've put my ego aside, I wouldn't be opposed to trying it. If you've never heard my story on what I call "coming out of the geek closet" here it is for you.
I was thinking one day if I was really as geeky as I though I was, or if it was just a phase. I started thinking about how I wasn't really the average girl. I wasn't ever into playing barbies as much as my sisters were, I was more likely to be playing Oregon Trail and Where in the World is Carmen SanDiego on the computer. I wasn't ever into doing my make up, I was more likely to be playing in the dirt and sliding down a hill on a card board box in my besties back yard. I actually started wearing makeup when I got out of high school because I discovered I made more tips cutting hair. I never had a favorite Disney princess growing up, my favorite movie was Sword and the Stone, I was more of a King Arthur fan than a Princess fan. I remember playing Mario with the guys in High School, a few years later, playing bubble bobble with my boyfriend. Later came my World of Warcraft, and Guilwars 2 years. One of my girl friends showed me all the pretty elves I could play, and I was sold!
A few years ago I discovered cosplay! I've always loved to sew things and make costumes. I also discovered I had a real talent when I watched everyone's jaw drop to the floor as I was showing the prom dress I made as my senior project. To me, these kinds of things were second nature. Why wasn't it for everyone? The first Comic Con I attended, I decided to go big or go home! So I made a friend and I Batman and Robin dresses. They were a big hit! It was there I learned there were other people like me! I was so excited! A bunch of dorks who love to use their imaginations to create beautiful art and who like dorky thinks like Lord of the Rings, dragons, King Arthur, magic, fairies, elves, vampires, super heroes, time travel, etc. I love when I have an idea for a costume and I have no idea where it's going to take me, but every time, it turns out better than I ever imagined it would. I love walking around Comic Con and talking to admirers. I love admiring other cosplayers work and discovering similar interest with them as well. I love that I can walk through the doors at Comic Con, and not feel odd that I'm dressed as Ariel Boba Fett, but feel admired and loved. I always feel like I belong and I'm at home. These are my people!
I felt the same way when I played WoW, I had a guild, and although very few of us knew each other IRL (in real life), we were like sorta like a family too. I always loved talking to my fellow nerdlings and doing silly things like stealing everything out of the guild bank at midnight. Whoever says online friends aren't real, is mistaken. I've met several people online, knew them for years before meeting them in person, and they're still just as real online as they were in person!
Well since I've come out of the geek closet, I've learned it's ok to be me! I can be as geeky or nerdy as I want to be! And more importantly, the more I accept that, the more I love myself!!! I would love to still game, but I'm a single mom, I don't have time. Instead, we do things like make costumes and go to Comic Con together. We also watch things like Dr Who, Arrow, The Flash, etc together. She's much more into Princesses than I am though... I call it my mothers curse, she always said I'd have a girly girl. And that's ok too!

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

A cry for help - Domestic Violence

On the morning of March 27, 2015 I received a phone call from my sister as I was walking my daughter to preschool. 

She asked, "What happened to Michele?" Immediately my heart sank in fear of her talking about my best friend I've known since high school. 

"My Michele?" I asked confused.

I hung up and then proceeded to check Michele's Facebook to see what she was talking about. Tears streamed down my face as I read several posts on her Facebook page relating to her death and how she will be missed. Before I could find out what happened, my sister called again.

Struggling to tell me, through tears,  she repeated how sorry she was, and finally told me, "Michele has been murdered, she was stabbed by her husband". Intense anguish and pain that I can't explain filled my soul. I screamed! I cried! 

"That son of a bitch! I hope he rots in hell! I told her to leave him!" I yelled. 

I hung up and tried to call my mom, but she was at work and couldn't answer. She finally called after my sister sent her an email telling her to call me immediately. She asked if I needed her, stubbornly, I said no, but she left work and came over anyways. I was planning on still going to work myself as well, regardless of what was going on, and the fact I looked like I had been crying for days, but finally decided a half hour before my shift to call in. 


I reminisced about the good times and how we met.  Michele and I met at a young woman's activity for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and we were instant best friends! I'll never forget how she would always tell me that she prayed for a best friend, and how I was the answer to her prayers. She always said she knew we were best friends before we came to earth, and we'll always be best friends.



One day, when we were seniors in high school, I called her,crying, that my mom bought a house in Utah and how bad it sucked that we were moving. 

Her reply was  "Cool! I wanna come!" I though she was nuts! But that's exactly what she did. Soon we became 2 Cali girls in Utah off to start a new adventure. 







I loved when we lived near each other a few years ago before she moved to Arizona. I loved staying up late with her, sitting on her couch, and just enjoying each other's company. She was always there for me when I needed her, and I for her.

(Michele with my daughter and her youngest son. One of the last times I would ever see her, but not talk to her.)
Neither of us were in healthy relationships. I know all too well the struggles of being in an abusive relationship. I have been in a few myself. Most start off looking somewhat healthy and turn ugly quickly. I've had friends warn me when I've been in abusive relationships, and tell me that I needed help; I refused to listen. I myself have been stalked, bullied, harassed, belittled, threatened, intimidated, called inappropriate names, and many other things. 

In the book The Gift of Fear, Gavin DeBecker lists what he calls pre-incident indicators associated with spousal violence and murder. I have suffered through the majority of the red flags he lists, that I have mentioned. I have friends who have suffered other things such as, having their financial funds being withdrawn from them, being beaten, having bones broken from punches or physical violence, and one of my friends ex's even attempted to drowned her

I finally reached out and got help. I started going to a domestic violence and sexual assault support group. It was there that I started to learn what a healthy relationship was supposed to look like, and how to set and keep healthy boundaries. I also read a book, I mentioned above, by Gavin DeBecker called "The Gift of Fear" that changed my life. 

In this book the author teaches you about your intuition, how to use it, and some of the subtle red flags you choose to ignore. I stick to his book like a bible. It has been a struggle learning how to be in a healthy relationship again. I mostly avoid them in fear of things changing. My rule of thumb, whichI've learned from The Gift of Fear, has been to trust yourintuition first, ask questions later. 

I was hanging out with a guy this spring, that my roommate and I said 'had the creepy vibe'. We're still unsure of why he gave us that vibe, but I decided it was best to trust my intuition regardless if I ever found out why. My Dads advice was to find someone I admired and have them help me in my dating endeavors. If any of my trusted sources get 'the creepy vibe' now, I trust it, and then ask questions later.  

(Women around the world wore purple on April 2, in honor of Michele, and Domestic Violence victims everywhere)

After ending some abusive relationships, I have had friends and family members tell me I was vindictive, unforgiving, unChristlike, incapable of having a healthy relationship, and other unkind things. At one point, I could feel their hostility towards me when I attended family gatherings. I remember coming home on Christmas Eve, crying to my neighbor, and best friend, Thelma, not because of what was said, but because I could feel their hostility. 

Some of my exes have had smooth words and had an agenda to use people to win me back. 
You see, the thing is, some men can be very charming, but behind closed doors, they are different people. Look at Ted Bundy! 

That's how many abusers are. That's how Michele's husband was. He was never anything but nice to me, and I was always nice to him, of course. But I knew the real John, all too well. I had many conversations with Michele about our relationships. I told her to leave him on several occasions, I offered my home to her as did others. She had planned on leaving him when she finished school this year. Too often we tend to think things will get better, or that the perfect time will come to leave. We also tend to think that the people we love aren't capable of hurting us. But that's not true is it?

I remember calling my Dad to tell him the heartbreaking news about Michele. There are few times I have ever heard him cry, but this is one of them. 

One of the first things he said to me was "This could have been you."

I ask myself constantly, "Why Michele?" And "How did I always get out, how come she couldn't?". It's hard for me to comprehend the truth in my Dads words. How could someone who loves you be capable of something so harsh? My innocent mind can't wrap my mind around the thought of another human being hurting another so much. 

I have spent so many sleepless nights crying and mourning my best friends death. It can't be undone, and that sucks. Everyone's got their "person" she was mine! We've shared a special bond between us that both of us believe we've had, and will have, for eternity. I miss the small simple things about her. All I can do is wait until I see her in heaven. I will never be able to express the pain, anguish, heartache, anger, and other emotions I feel. I spend many nights crying, and days fighting back tears at work. I've cried my eyes out in my car on my way home from work. He took a best friend from me! There's a hole in my heart, and it hurts. He took a mother from her children! Although I think it's best he's behind bars, my heart aches for her children without a father and mother. I promised Michele at her grave, I would do the best I could to look after her kids, and that's what I'll do.  

My prayer is that I can touch lives, and hopefully save some. You never think these kinds of things will happen to you. But they can happen to anyone!!!

I encourage everyone to read The Gift of Fear.”

http://www.amazon.com/The-Gift-Fear-Gavin-Becker/dp/0440226198

I have also included a link to the news story about Michele’s death for those of you who never knew her.

http://www.abc15.com/news/region-west-valley/goodyear/family-of-michele-davis-speaks-out-about-brutal-stabbing-asks-for-help-with-her-8-children

Saturday, September 20, 2014

How to make a COMIC BOOK table


  

So I saw this awesome idea somewhere online on decoupaging furniture with Sunday funnies. Well, being the geek I am, I decided to take it a step further, and decoupage my kitchen table with comic books. I tried to search the internet on any how-to's, and came up with nothing, so I decided to blog about it!

First I started with my plain wood kitchen table.
and some Justice League comics I bought at
Salt Lake Comic Con


 I sanded the table down with some coarse sand paper and cut up the comics into small strips
placed them on the table somewhat how I wanted them placed, then glued them on my table with some good old fashion Elmer's Glue



                        once it was finished, I covered it in an epoxy resin I got from a local craft store
place a tarp or something you don't care to ruin underneath to catch any dripping
DISCLAIMER!!! Read the directions for the epoxy fully before using! Also, make sure you cover ALL of your comics with glue FULLY and let it dry before covering in the epoxy. Any areas uncovered in glue will appear wet, leaving your comics looking blotchy like someone sprayed it with a water bottle. 




Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Fun Muffins

Zoe and I have been making funfetti muffins in our new mini cupcake maker we got from Grandma. Sometimes I make the muffins from scratch, and sometimes I use a mix. But we like to add food coloring and sprinkles to make them colorful. 





Sunday, January 13, 2013

Taxano Burrito

So I totally discovered how to make Beto's famous Texano Burrito, but better!!!! And It's so flippin easy.
So First you're going to start off with your Slow Cooker. I have a small family so I use a small recipe.
In your Slow Cooker
2 Chicken Breasts
Taco Seasoning to your liking (I use home made Fajita seasoning)
1/2 Can Cream of Chicken Soup
3/4 Cup Salsa
Cook until you're ready to eat
Add Sour Cream (to your liking)
Melt some Cheese on a Tortilla, add your meat
Brown up some Potatoes to add (optional)

And you're ready to eat!
ENJOY!!!!!